Dear Dad

My brother, Shubhang and I went this morning to pay a visit to our ailing father and wished him a bright and cheerful, “Happy Father’s Day”. As the day has come to an end, so has he… we didn’t know it will end so soon. We still had promises to keep. We still had a plan to scale Mt. Everest. I am alone in this journey now. His relationship with me was rather strange, more of a friend than that of a father. I have lost one of my closest friends today and I am never going to be able to move on from this.

His strange relationship with me extended to often being at loggerheads too, mostly because it was two headstrong people thinking pretty much the same thing, only looking in a different direction. I am unsure who is going to be able to fill that void after today.

I couldn’t find myself fall in love, ever. The idea of being in love always seemed paramount to me. He was my first-ever Prince Charming, and like all other girls, he was the epitome of the perfect man which no one could match up to. He’s chosen to move out of the competition, it seems.

Everyone spoke about hope and faith and miracles. Everything changed in a matter of a few seconds when he passed away a few hours ago, leaving behind his cold, lifeless body. I haven’t been able to shed a tear… my heart cried as I clenched my jaw when I put my hand on his ice-cold forehead. But I couldn’t let the tears flow. We’ve all been strong, we will always be strong and we’ll fight all the battles that come our way as time goes by. He too was a fighter, for he was the reason we learnt not to be scared of what life threw at us. Whether it was failure or setbacks… I am certain he had always been preparing us for the future. For this day.

As I write this to find my catharsis, I am letting all my thoughts flow that are perhaps holding back general emotions. For all those who have loved and lost, this is exactly how loss feels like.

The doctors said they tried their best to revive him, but nothing worked today. It’s strange how he decided to take this journey into heavenly abode without so much as giving us an inkling about it. We bid goodbye to him this evening and he was last seen with a light in his eyes, the one that you find in the eyes of a go-getter. Then what happened? We are all emotional people, we always had faith, we believed. However, that was not enough for us, or for him. The machines kept going ‘beep’ ‘beep’ ‘beep’ and we knew he was still breathing, albeit with much difficulty, but he was. As I closed my eyes every night over the last 11 days, I would hear the beep sound at the back of my head. I would want it to stop. But this is not how I wanted it to happen.

It’s the night of the 19th of June 2016, and I have lost my father, my friend and my dearest confidante – Col. Amit Sharma (01 October 1959…)

It is today he had also completed 35.5 years in service. I am proud of everything my father has done while he served in the Indian Army. We have lost our father, my mother has lost her companion and the Army has lost a very valuable officer. No militant, no difficult terrain, no people’s games could have made him lose this battle. It was this unfortunate, supposedly rare lung infection that did the trick.

Maybe I will be able to shed some tears, someday. Right now, I have to complete all those stories he said he will narrate to me when we planned to co-write a blog. I have to live up to the expectations he had from me and be the strong girl he and my mother had brought me up as. The fire in the belly must not lose its power. He wanted me to stay happy, and I will have to learn to smile through my tears, I am sure.

P.S. Dear Dad, if you ever get to read this, please know that both Shubhang and I will never let you down. We are just a little broken right now, we’ll collect the pieces and keep walking. Please be around to bless us, ALWAYS.